How to Act on a First Date

Men and women both oftentimes get the message, from a lot of different places, that it’s not a good idea to show a lot of interest in someone in the early stages of getting acquainted. Instead we’re encouraged to be coy, to play hard to get, and to act indifferent even if we’re actually feeling eager. And in some situations, such tactics may even work. They might intrigue the other person, and make us seem more alluring. But even when we win we lose under such circumstances, because the ones who we desire aren’t attracted to us but rather just to the persona that we’ve put forward.

That kind of mysterious and elusive persona can be hard to sustain for very long. What’s more, it virtually ensures that we’ll never get our real needs met in a relationship because we’ve built it up on a false pretext to begin with. Sooner or later we’ll be faced with a choice between expending more energy to keep the charade going or else giving up the game completely. It makes a lot more sense to be honest from the very first date. When in doubt, always be yourself. That way, even if the date doesn’t pan out you still will not have lost anything.

That means showing interest if that’s what you’re feeling, instead of playing it cool. That means acting shy if you are shy, instead of covering it up with false self-confidence. At least that way you’ll be starting things off from an authentic place. Then, if that first date leads to more – and a serious relationship develops – you’ll feel more assured that the other person is really interested in you rather than in an image of you that isn’t even true. You also won’t have to deal with the pressure of trying to live up to unfair expectations that might’ve been encouraged by a phony projection of yourself.

If you really feel such a need to wrap some kind of mystique around yourself to attract a prospective partner, then maybe you should ask yourself why you’re convinced that you aren’t interesting enough to begin with. In reality, your date might find your real self more intriguing than any invented one. But you won’t know until you decide to just be vulnerable and reveal yourself. If you do so, you may discover that what’s inside of you is more attractive than the air of mystery that you try to create by withholding yourself.

When you’re getting to know someone who you have romantic feelings for, it’s best to be as present and authentic as you know how to be and not act aloof. The other person may not be interested in playing the “pursuit” game in the first place. And even if he or she were, you wouldn’t be attracting real interest through such a pretence but only fostering an illusion. Sooner or later you would be found out, and then there would be disappointment on both sides. On the other hand, if you act naturally on a first date then you can rest assured, the second time around, that your date is coming back for more of the real you. That makes it a lot easier to feel comfortable in the situation and get your needs met down the road – plus it’s also a lot easier to do.

So, how to act on a first date? The answer: don’t.